A lovely heartbeat!

I saw the heartbeat! It was so awesome. I thought i saw a flash here and there before the guy said anything and i was so hoping and i was right! Wow it was beating so fast. 150bpm. I can now breathe a deep sigh of relief!

Here's a pic from the scan. You can't see much but i think s/he looks cute already!

My lovely friend Emma, who i am hoping to choose as my doula, came with me into the scan so i wasn't alone. I am so glad she did too.

Oh, and happy birthday to me! I'm 22 today!

Tomorrow's scan

I'm so scared about tomorrow's scan that i almost cancelled it! What is wrong with me? I'm never ever THIS nervous before a scan. Usually a little bit but this time im scared out of my wits! *big deep breaths...* Sorry it seems like im always complaining but i need to vent. I don't wanna let Jacob know im so scared.

Nervous

Well my scan is in 2 days and i'm nervous as hell! I have to go in by myself cause Jacob will be looking after the kids. He's coming with me but will be in the waiting room. I'll be all by myself. What if something is wrong or the baby has died? I'm so scared...

On a lighter note, i had a fab dream last night. I gave birth to bub, in water. I felt so elated and happy. It's one of the best dreams i've had. I think i will keep this dream in mind when i go for the scan.

Ahh i'm a wreck!

I had the most horrible dream last night. I dreamt i went for my 8 week scan and Bubbles had died. But it felt soo real. :-( I hope this doesn't mean anything bad.

Blah...

Oh i am so sick today! Which in a way is a good thing but OMG! I can't even get up otherwise i feel so dizzy, clammy, and so nausous. I can't cope. I wish it was time for Jacob to come home, the kids are driving me nuts today. Thank god it's the weekend tomorrow!

Getting there.

Havn't been able to post to here lately but i'm going ok for now. Only 7 days until my scan. I'm starting to feel relieved that it's getting closer, but scared at the same time!

I don't have morning sickness as such but every afternoon i feel nausious and i don't have much of an appitite at all.

Having a hard time

Well i am 6 weeks and 1 day today. I honestly do not feel as though i am pregnant. Yep i was nausous yesterday morning but nothing since. Yep my boobs are slightly tender but only if i touch them or one of the kids elbow me (and wouldnt that hurt regardless? lol) yep im tired all the time. And of course i havent had any bleeding. But other than that, nada!

I'm having a really hard time accepting that there is a baby growing in there. I feel that nothing is wrong with baby, just can't accept that i am pregnant if that makes sense. Which in turn stops me from bonding with him/her.

From the moment i conceived Charlie i knew i was pregnant and i felt it until the moment he was born. I was instantly bonded with him the whole way through. But this time im not and i am scared that i won't bond with this baby like i didn't bond with Lily and i am scared of getting antenantal depression like i did with Lily even though i was not diagnosed with depression until almost 3 years after she was born. I can feel it snowballing already and it's going to end badly with me needing heavy councelling again. I don't want that nor does my family need that. I don't want to see them suffer again.

I wonder if there is any such thing as grief councelling for pregnant women with previous traumatic births and pregnancies?

Morning Sickness!

Well i turned 6 weeks today and have been hit with morning sickness! I honestly did not think i would be this happy! lol Although the down side is we have a friend's wedding to go to today and the reception tonight, hopfully it doesn't last all day like it did with Charlie!

Homebirth

Well i just phoned the homebirth service that is run through one of the birth centres here. They are going to ring me back in the next week or 2 to make an appointment. It's all seeming so real now!

I have been watching home water births on youtube today and it's making me sooo emotional. Silly hormones lol!

Just a whinge

Well Jacob just phoned me and said he is working over time and won't be finished until 6pm! He usually finishes at 3pm.

There really is no point to it cause he only gets an extra $60 and that is what i get for parenting payment and if he works overtime i get none so what is the point???

I'm just so tired and really wanted him to come home. I'm struggling right now not to fall asleep and the kids are making a huge mess with all their toys.

Well he can bloody walk home now. No way am i driving to go pick him up at 6pm!

Wow!

I actually made it passed my milestone! Wow! It is like a huge weight has been lifted off me. Even though i'm only 5 weeks 5 days, i feel like there is hope now. It's hard to explain.

We have decided to call baby Bubbles. Just so we don't call him/her 'it'. It feels way too impersonal.

Nothing much else to report. Still no morning sickness, i suppose that must be a blessing in a way!

Almost there!

Well i'm nearly passed my milestone and i'm still pregnant! Not that it doesn't mean nothing will go wrong in the future but it is just huge relief if you know what i mean? So maybe this is real after all? I can't help but feel a little bit excited!

This is it

So i'm 5 weeks and 3 days today. That is the furthest i've gone when i've had a m/c. So if i can get through tomorrow i'll feel a bit better.

Still no real symptoms at all.

Taking it one day at a time makes it go sooooo sloooooww!

Who would have thought?

Who would have thought that a pregnant woman would want to have morning sickness so bad? I really wish i did. At least then i know Bubbles is ok.

I would go get another blood test but the last one they did hurt like hell. I have really bad veins and they have to try numberous times to get blood and its always traumatic for me and i almost always get dizzy and sick.

My ultrasound is on my birthday, 26th June. I hope it is a good birthday in that we see a heartbeat! I'll be 7 weeks, 5 days then. So 3 weeks to go. Although i am having second thoughts about going because if there was no heartbeat, i'm not sure i'd be able to handle it at all...

I need a time machine

I really wish i had a time machine so that i could fast forward to 12 weeks pregnant. I'm just so sick of feeling anxious all of the time. I'm so anxious that i can't eat, i can't sleep, therefore i can't function properly during the day.

I really need help but i don't want to ask for it. I don't want to have to go back on my medication no matter how much they say it is safe. Plus i will just be this happy happy person for the whole remaining 8 months and it wont be me, it wont be my true feelings and i wont know when i truely am happy or not.

It's just so hard...

*Yawn*

Oh, i am soooo tired! I did not realise being pregnant and having 2 littlies to look after would be so challanging. I start needing a nap around lunch time but can't until 3:30pm when Jacob get's home from work. I hope this doesn't last the whole pregnancy.

Other than that, still a bit nausous and my boobs are so sore! So all in all i am happy for now.

Nausea

While making the kid's breakfast this morning i started feeling nausous. I'm ok now although dont feel like eating at all. Maybe i should just stay away from food altogether.

Cramps...

For about an hour or so i've been getting cramps down low. I know this can be normal but it's still playing on my mind. I hope it's nothing bad.

Blerk!

Well i am feeling crappy today. I think morning sickness maybe be creeping in. Not really nausous as such but definatly off food and just have a yucky feeling in my tummy.

I have also suddenly been over come with a fear of the actual birth. I know it is 8 months away but i just keep thinking about how things can go wrong.

Like for example, when i was pg with Charlie i had a low lying placenta and even though it did move up i keep thinking what if that happens again but doesnt move up? I won't get my homebirth or vaginal birth for that matter. I'm scared that something will be wrong with the baby or even that i will die during the birth.

These are all so irrational and i think it is my anxiety coming back. I have been over it for a couple of months now, why would it suddently all come flooding back? I hate it. I hate feeling like this. I want this homebirth SO bad that i keep thinking something will try to stop me from having it...