The journey to the birth of my third baby

The Home Water Birth of Orson Phoenix Paul

2009-02-17T16:15:00.000-08:00

I guess it all starts about 3 weeks before Orson was born, on 26th January. I started having pre-labour signs and was thinking things were close. All along i had thought at least ‘something’ would happen on 26th Jan, but i thought it would be more than just pre-labour!

During the week I got Jacob to check to see if my cervix had dialled any. By Wednesday we thought i was about 3-4cms. Looking back now i honestly have no idea what he was feeling because i certainly wasn’t 4cms by Friday lol. But i had been losing some of the mucous plug so that was some good news.

The pre-labour contractions lasted until the Thursday morning when i had to go to the dentist to get a tooth pulled, i guess the trauma of the pain had stopped things. I then got some labour inducing acupuncture done that afternoon but not much happened after that. The next morning i had more acupuncture done and started having painful tightening right away. They started getting stronger and more regular about 5 minutes apart so i decided to call my midwives and doula. They decided to come as we thought i was in labour.

By 10pm that night things had basically stopped. I asked my midwife Linda to check my cervix. I was about 2-3cm but it was still quite long. She gave me a stretch and sweep and then they decided to go back home.

The next day i had a show but other than that nothing at all happened for the next 2 weeks. I was so angry at my body. I felt like it had failed and that i was never going to have this baby. I had waited so long for this and my body was just playing games with me, it wasn’t fair.

I had pre-paired so much for this homebirth. Read books, did countless research and set my mind to focus souly on this birth. Butt absolutely nothing could prepair me for how the birth actually went.

At 3am on Friday 14th Feb ruary, i woke up to a contraction. About 5 minutes later another one came and then anothe. So i decided to get up and time them properly. They were 5 minutes apart lasting about a minute. I had around 5 while sitting in the lounge room. They didn’t really hurt much. I was breathing calmly through them and felt quite good. I still didn’t know if this was true labour or not though as i wasn’t in much pain at all.

After about 20 minutes of being up i decided to go and wake up Jacob as the last contraction was a bit more intense than the rest were. But as soon as i walked into the bedroom i had a massive contraction that hurt so much i nearly cried. Then another of the same intensity came about a minute later. They kept coming, getting stronger and stronger and closer and closer. Then my whole body started shaking furiously between each contraction. So i started thinking maybe i’m in transition already. But i was so confused and couldn’t think straight because the contractions were ontop of each other. I really had no idea what was happening. I then needed to use the loo really badly and had to go about 6 times within the space of 5 minutes. And let me tell you trying to use the toilet while having contractions is not pretty!

I was feeling scared and worried. I knew something wasn’t right. I couldn’t even walk out of the toilet. I remember bashing on the wall just to release my fear and pain of the contractions, they were so fierce. At this point i got Jacob to ring Linda and our doula Emma and tell them to come. It was around 4:15am when he called them. Now i didn’t think anything of it at the time but as he was on the phone i started feeling the urge to push. At the time i thought he was actually posterior and that was the reason for the pressure and pain. Maybe i was still in denial?

I asked Jacob to run the bath as the birth pool wasn’t filling up quick enough. I finally got in there with a lot of help. The warm water was nice to sit in but it didn’t ease the pain at all like i thought it would. The urge to push was getting stronger but i was holding back. I was still scared and confused at how this could be happening so quickly. I then did massive spew and then i knew this baby was defiantly coming now because i always spew when im in transition.

For the next 40 or so minutes i was resisting the urge to push and having less than 1min contractions. This was the only time i felt a lot of pain and actually made any noise. And it was a lot of noise at that. Trying not to push is by far the hardest thing ever i think and im sure the whole neighbourhood heard me!

I kept asking Jacob to call an ambulance as the midwives were still at least 1.5hrs away from getting there. I told him to call them cause i didn’t feel right but really all i wanted was a damn epidural lol. I think he knew this because he never did call an ambulance and just kept telling me i was doing fine and i didn’t need one. And im so thankful he didn’t either.

As our bath is quite small, Jacob didn’t think i could push the baby out in there and definalty not while i was sitting down, which by the way is not an ideal position to be in! So he finally got me to at least get on my knees in the bath, which was so difficult because Orson’s head was so far down my hips couldn’t move properly.

Then i felt my body starting to push him out and me resisting wasn’t stopping it anymore. I could feel his head coming down, there was no stopping him now. I put my hand down to feel his head but it wasn’t there so this is when i knew i had to start pushing, which was a relief because the pain of the contractions stopped when i did. I gave one small push, put my hand down and there was his head. Another push and felt him crowning and omg it burned! I have never felt it before, it was so strange. Antoher push and his head was out. I then felt him turn and he was kicking so hard inside me it actually hurt. One more push and at 5:09am Orson’s body shot out under my leg so fast i didn’t have time to catch him. I brought him to the serface and put him against my chest. I gently blew on my face and he opened his eyes. He looked around and gave a few little grunts but he didn’t cry. He was so calm. He gave a little cry about a minute later and then peacefully fell asleep in my arms.

Jacob then called Linda and Emma to tell them Orson was born. They were so shocked at how fast he came but relieved he was ok. The placenta then came about 15 minutes after he was born, while i was still in the bath. Jacob had to get it out and put it in a bucket which i think was the hardest thing for him to do. He never wanted to see it let alone touch it and his biggest fear was Orson coming before the midwives came. But he did great, even though it took him about a week to get over the shock of it.

I got out of the bath and went and sat in the lounge room with my new baby. I breastfed him and he attached perfectly like he had been doing it for years. He fed for around 2 hours. Emma arrived about 30mins after he was born and the midwives arrived about 2 hours after he was born. We kept the cord attached until they arrived where Lily helped to cut the cord. We then woke Charlie up to meet his new brother but he wasn’t interested at all. It took him nearly 2 weeks to even start talking to me again. It must of been a real shock for him.

Orson was then checked and weighed and measured. He was 4160g or 9lb2oz and measured 55cms long. Although we now think that was wrong as he is only 52.5cms now.

Jacob then finally got to have a hold and i went and had a bath in the birth pool since i didn’t want it to go to waste. Photos were taken and then i took him off to bed with my for a snuggle and fed.

After waiting almost 20mths for him i finally got to hold my beautiful babe and he has been a dream baby ever since.

Not long to go.

2008-12-28T15:20:00.000-08:00

Not long to go, but it's still dragging! I'm now 34 weeks and looking back i have come a long way but the end is still not in sight... *sigh*

Picked up the change table from Emma(our doula) yesterday. Going to get Jacob to paint it white or pale blue.

Started reading the books i wanted to read for the birth. Better get to it, otherwise i won't have time!

Here is another belly photo. He's grown in the last week but i have seemed to lost a bit of weight so he looks way smaller than at 32 weeks.

And here is a comparison of #2 and #3 at 34 weeks. He is way smaller than what Charlie was!

Been awhile!

2008-12-20T10:39:00.000-08:00

Geez it's nearly been a month since last update!

Not much happening really though. All is well with bub and me. Bubbles FINALLY went head down and stayed that way! And today has turned from ROA(right occiput anterior) to LOA (left occiput anterior) like a good boy! Belly is growing nicely and is so much smaller than it was with Lily and Charlie. Fundus at 32 weeks was measuring 33cm but Linda said bub didn't feel that big when she felt his position. So hears hoping for a smaller than 9lb bub this time!

Finally put the pram and car capsule on lay-by last Sunday. And also bought the birth pool which arrived last Tuesday. We inflated it to see how big it is and if everything was working. Alls goodand wow its huge and comfy!

Getting very impatient this last week. Only 7 weeks until EDD - weeks until full term at 37 weeks. It feels like sooooo long to wait! I don't know how to occupy myself!

Here is another 2 belly shots. One from 4 days ago and one from today. See the difference in bub has dropped since the first one and i look so much more smaller!
32 weeks, 2 days.

32 weeks, 6 days.

Feeling much better

2008-11-26T20:44:00.000-08:00

Well i feel so much more at ease that bub is breech now. Linda has told me she will still support me if bub is breech at term and i wish to stay at home. I'm so relieved! I know there is lots more time for him to turn and stay head down but i'm not worried anymore.

Breech again!

2008-11-26T14:30:00.000-08:00

ARGH! Bubbles is breech again today. Geezus there must be a lot of room in there for him to keep turning head down and breech every few days! It's so new to me because the other 2 we're head down and engaged by 29 weeks and definatly did not have the room to keep turning freely all the time. Obviously it means Bubbles is smaller than what they were at this time and hopfully he stays this way so i don't get another 9lb'er. But the kicks in the cervix and hips are driving me bonkers! He is a very active little one, so much more active than his siblings! I am a tad worried that he will stay breech at the end and i have just emailed Linda (my midwife) asking what'll happen exactly. I am pretty sure i can still birth at home but just need some reasurance.

Antenatal appointment

2008-11-25T19:13:00.000-08:00

I had my antenatal appointment today. Bub was head down and heart rate was 142bpm. My blood pressure was 100/67 so still staying low which is nice.

My fundus was measuring 30cms and im 29+2 weeks so only a few days ahead which is so great because with the other 2 i was like 2 weeks head by now.

I have also lost another 1 kg. So that is 6kgs lost now and nothing gained. At this rate when Bubbles is born i won't weigh anything!

Jacob tells me i look like i have lost a lot of weight which is nice to hear! Might be easier to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight this time hopfully.

The belly!

2008-11-18T03:09:00.000-08:00

Here's the latest belly pic. Damn stretch marks look nasty in this one :-(

To me it looks smaller than 2 weeks ago but it definatly feels bigger...hmm!

Today i have been getting a lot of rib kicks, ouch! Bubbles has been so active today.

I have another antenatal appointment next Tuesday and another appointment with my Doula in 2 weeks on 2nd December. Looking forward to those!

And eek it's nearly December! Only 3 weeks until Lily's 4th birthday and 5 weeks until Christmas! This will be the first time i'll be pregnant at Christmas, i wonder how i'll cope.

Beautiful baby

2008-11-15T01:44:00.000-08:00

I had my 4D scan today. It was great especially since they come to your house!

He has grown so much and yep he is a he and proud to show his bits off! He has the cuuuutest chubby cheeks and his umbilical cord is so thick which great cause it means he is nice and healthy. Especially the fact that he has a lot of chub on him already. So that's just fantastic.

I got 45 minutes worth of DVD and 77 photos on a CD. I'll get the printed photos posted to me next week.

I thought i would be disappointed that it's definatly a boy but i am so so excited and even more excited about the homebirth now! I hope it hurrys up and that i don't go over my EDD!

Here's a few of the pics that were taken.

4D scan!

2008-11-13T00:00:00.000-08:00

I have a 4D scan booked in for this Saturday! I can't wait to see how much Bubbles has grown and what he'll potentially look like! The package includes a 40 minute DVD of the session, a cd full of all the photos and 16 printed photos, plus we get to look at the gender in great detail just to make sure he is in fact a he. I'm so excited! Only 2 days to go!

Third Trimester!

2008-11-12T03:34:00.000-08:00

Well I turned 27 weeks on Sunday and am now finally in the third trimester!! I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is going.

I'm feeling great. Still have a bit of nausea and heartburn and my blood pressure is a bit low but i have no swelling, i haven't gained any weight (infact have lost about 5kgs) I don't even feel pregnant most of the time. Getting lots of kicks too, it's just great!

Here is the latest belly pic of Bubbles taken at 26 weeks.

Baby stuff

2008-10-27T04:59:00.001-07:00

I have decided on the pram i want. A Steelcraft Strider Delux. It comes with a car capsule aswell which is awesome! It looks toeasy to fold and use, abig thing with me as its light and will fit better in the boot of the car.

Here's a pic of it.

I think i'll book in for the Calmbirth course for about 28 weeks. Looking really forward to it! I also want to book in for the 4D ultrasound for around 30 weeks. So only 5 weeks until i can see Bubbles again!

Antenatal appointment

2008-10-23T16:43:00.000-07:00

Another perfect antenatal appointment today.

Blood pressure was 103/66. Still on the low side but who am i to complain! It's better than being high.

I've lost 1kg. Least im not gaining much (well not at all) but its still a worry.

Fundus is measuring 25cm and i am 3 days off 25 weeks so again he is growing well. Fingers crossed we stay on this path!

I have been prescribed Pariet. It is for my horendous reflux and heartburn. Hopfully we see improvement with it.

I was offered to have the GTT (glucose tolorence test) but declined. I didn't have it with the first 2 and i'm not at risk so i dont see the point in getting it. If i start to feel unwell i'll go to the doctor, otherwise i'm fine.

Still not sure if i should get the GBS swab done though. I'll have to think about it more. I'll most likely be offered it next appointment in 4 weeks.

Financially, things are fine now. I feel a lot more relaxed about everything.

Latest belly pic!

2008-10-21T14:33:00.000-07:00

Here is my latest belly pic. Taken at 24 weeks, 2 days. Looks smaller in clothes, but ah well!

I'm sick. Yuck!

2008-10-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

Charlie has had a cold since last Tuesday and then Lily got it on Friday and on Saturday i woke up with it! I hate getting sick while pregnant because it always lasts like a month or so because i can't take anything for it!

Tomorrow i have another appointment with Emma (my Doula). We're going outfor lunch too. I just have to decide where to go!

I'm 23 weeks now, it's going so fast.

Emotional day!

2008-10-07T03:32:00.000-07:00

I've just been struggling with our financial situation. We're not that bad off but i can't helpbut worry about how we're going to come up with the $3000 for the homebirth. It's such a shame that the baby bonus will no longer be paid as a lump sum, i would have no worries then!

It's just all the other bills! Car rego, 2 birthdays, christmas. Plus buying all the things needed for the homebirth. GRR. I wish food and petrol was not so expensive! Bloody government taking peoples money! Anyway off my soapbox!

I'm feeling ok. Eating well. Sleeping better. Belly growing. Bubbles kicking. I'm either getting kicked in the cervix or ribs! It's all good though, i wouldn't trade it for the world.

Belly pic

2008-10-02T05:06:00.000-07:00

I took another photo of the baby belly yesterday at 21 weeks, 3 days. Here it is. Nice and round now!

Not much else is happening. I have finally got my appetite back somewhat. I can eat 2 meals a day now. I am also not as tired which is a bonus.

I have been getting quite a few braxton hicks (falselabour) contractions lately. Usually on days where i am stressed which is quite often. I try to stay calm most of the time but how is that possible with a nearly 4 year old, a 2 year old and being 20+ weeks pregnant???

Antenatal appointment

2008-09-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

I had an antenatal appointment with my GP today (who i am doing shared care with my midwives). All is fine. Bub seems to be measuring right on my dates which is strange for me because i am usually around 3 weeks ahead and have 9lb babies. Hopfully this is a sign of a smaller bub but i doubt it lol. My blood preasure was a bit low at 101/65, it is usually 120/70. When i came home i suddenly felt really light headed and had a major headache and felt sick. Had a lay down and i feel a bit better now thankfully.

Last night i felt Bubbles kick from the outside! I tried to get Jacob to feel too but bub kept kicking away from his hand lol. Cheeky monkey!

Changed care provers

2008-09-21T17:53:00.000-07:00

On Friday i told my current midwife at the Birth Centre that i was having a homebirth and have hired a midwife for it so i'll no longer need their services. Although i am still on the hospital's books incase of transfer.

I have an appointment with my GP (who also has an OBGYN qualification) for tomorrow (Monday) and i'll be having shared care with her and the homebirth midwives.

I'm also 20 weeks today! I can't believe i'm now half way.

I have been thinking about things to buy for Bubbles lately. We need a few things, like a change table, new pram, baby capsule, more clothing, more modern cloth nappies and a sling to carry bub in.

We are getting the change table off our lovely doula Emma.

I've been looking at the Peanut Shell slings and they look great. Plus you can breastfeed in them which is fantastic.

Here's a pic of one. They have many colours and patterns available.

Available at www.thepeanutshell.com

And here's a pic of the baby capsule i want. It's the Safe n Sound Unity capsule.

More inspiration

2008-09-19T23:25:00.000-07:00

Here's another video of a baby born in the caul(bag of waters) under water.

Inspiration

2008-09-17T22:58:00.000-07:00

I was looking at water births on youtube and thought i would share some of the ones that have really inspired me.

And an absolutely gorgeous twin water birth!

Scan update

2008-09-16T18:52:00.000-07:00

My scan went well. Bubbles has gown so much! Looks like we're going to have another tall one too!

Heartrate was 134bpm.

I have a low lying placenta but hopfully it's not going to cause any dramas. I have one with Charlie and all was fine.

The lady said she had a quick look at the sex. She said she thinks she knows but cause bub is tucked away into my back it was really hard to tell. I'm not going to say what she said but i'll be getting a 4D scan done in a few weeks and hopfully then they can tell me for sure.

Anyway, i am happy. Bubbles is healthy and all is fine.

Here's a couple of pics from the scan.

Face

Feet

Oh hurry up!

2008-09-16T14:58:00.000-07:00

It's only about an hour until my ultrasound and i am hating the waiting! I'm not nervous at all, just very very excited and want to see bub so bad. Hopfully i can get a CD full of all the pictures they take or even better a DVD of the scan.

Ultrasound time!

2008-09-16T11:10:00.000-07:00

My morphology scan is this afternoon at 3:45pm. I have decided to take Lily in with me as she loves babies and knows there is a baby in my belly. She has already named the baby too lol. She calls it Lily Baby. And she thinks it's a girl. I hope she is right!

I am still struggling with finding out the sex or not. I keep saying, yes, no, yes, no! Just have to see how i feel at that very moment i can ask.

Getting bigger

2008-09-15T18:30:00.000-07:00

My tummy has grown so much over the last month or so. I can't fit into any normal clothes now but i am having a hard time trying to find maternity pants that are comfy and look good.

Here is my belly at 14 weeks...

17 weeks...

& today at 19 weeks...

Midwife appointment

2008-09-14T14:30:00.000-07:00

I met my homebirth midwives today, Linda and Cathy. They are really lovely. I'm even more excited now than ever. We talked for nearly 3 hours, it was great.

I heard bub's heartbeat too on the doppler. I love that sound.

They've given me a few books and dvds so that'll keep me entertained for a while!

I don't seen them again until around 35-36 weeks but i will be seeing my GP for the rest of my antenatal appointments, so all is good.

My scan is on Tuesday. I can't wait to see bub again and see how big s/he has grown! I'm not worried at all because i have been feeling Bubbles move every day now and even more so in the last few days, it's great.

I can't believe i'm 19 weeks today! Wow! I never thought i would have made it this far! :-)

Made up my mind

2008-09-13T17:47:00.000-07:00

I've decided not to find out the sex of bub. As time goes on, the urge to have a surprise seems to be a lot stronger than finding out if it's a boy or not.

I've also seemed to have popped a lot. I have a nice round belly now.

How to decide?

2008-09-11T19:59:00.000-07:00

My scan is next Tuesday and i don't know if i wanna find out the sex or not. I'm really torn up about it actually. I really want another girl and would like to know if it is a boy before the birth. But i also think it'd be way cool to have that huge surprise at the very end and give me something to strive for, if you know what i mean? Sometimes i think, just accept what you're given and be happy about it. But i really do want another girl and i won't deny that. But it makes me feel bad. Also Jacob doesn't want to know. He won't be with me in the scan and he said he doesn't mind if i find out or not. I can easily keep the secret too. I just don't know! How do i decide this? What if i regret my descion one way or the other?

Update!

2008-09-01T12:19:00.000-07:00

Thought i better update this lol!

Well not much has happened really to be honest. Being 17 weeks, i'm not feeling the energy of 2nd trimester. I'm still so tired, it's hard to get up in the mornings. And i can still only eat 1 meal a day as i have no appetite. But on the plus side of not eating much i haven't gained any weight yet! I have lost about 6kg though.

I changed care providers a while back so i can still have a homebirth. Because the other one changed their protocol and said i'm now too far away to have a homebirth with them. Apparently i'm out by 5 minutes, how fair is that?!

It tookme a while to find an independent midwife because there are none in my area. But i finally found one that lives approx 3 hours away. I'll be meeting my new midwives on 14th of this month. I'm so excited. Their names are Linda and Cathy.

This pregnancy is going so fast for me, it's scary. I'm already 17 weeks! My morphology scan is on 16th Sept. I have decided i want to find out the sex of bub because i really wanted a girl and if it's a boy well i would like to know now so i can get over the shock. A healthy baby is all i want but i think i might still be sad if it's a boy, god that sounds horrible!

All is well!

2008-07-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

My scan went great. Saw bub's heartbeat! Thank goodness! It was 156BPM.

I saw him/her moving around so much, it was great to see.

They said i have an anterior placenta. So i probably won't be feeling much movement for a while yet.

I cannot believe i am 11 weeks now! Woo!

Here is a couple of pics of bub from the scan. S/he has grown so much since last time!

My lovely doula!

2008-07-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

Well it's been playing on mymind too much thatsomething might be wrong with bub. I was talking toEmma about it and as her brother-in-law is an Obstetrician,she got him towrite me outa referal for a scan to check on bub! I'm so happy about that.

My scan is booked in for tomorrow at 4pm.

Worried about bub

2008-07-09T10:56:00.000-07:00

For the last couple of days i've been really worried about bub. Maybe cause my morning sickness has pretty much gone and i can't feel movement yet but i keep thinking, what if something has gone wrong and i don't know about it? I'm not having a 12 week scan so if something had happened, i won't know.

So i decided to get my doppler out and have a check for the heartbeat. But i've lost the charger for it so now i cant use it. Jacob is going to try and buy another one somewhere. But i just keep thinking now that something is wrong and i'm none the wiser.

I thought about getting the 12 week scan to check on things but i really don't want to because that's not what it's for and i don't wanna know about the NT results. If something was to show up we wouldn't terminate anyway so i dont see the point and if something was wrong well i would rather know when bub was born rather then dwell on it for the next 6 months.

I just wish i could feel some movement or something.

Doulas

2008-07-02T12:05:00.000-07:00

Still travelling along nicely. Morning sickness is still around. On and off all day though.

I have started interviewing doulas this week. I have decided to have 2. A qualified and a student (only cause i cant afford 2 qualified). I've chosen my main one (the qualified one), Emma and i just have to interview 2 more students one tomorrow and the other on Friday (saw one today) and i'll choose between the 3. I reckon it's going to be a hard pick!

I have my first appointment with the homebirth midwife at the end of this month. I'll be around 12 weeks then.

I've decided not to have the 12 week NT scan because if something was to be wrong we wouldnt terminate anyway, so i don't see the point in having it.

I always said i would never find out the sex of this baby but i keep finding myself wanting to know at the 20 week scan. I hope i can hold out!

A lovely heartbeat!

2008-06-26T15:45:00.000-07:00

I saw the heartbeat! It was so awesome. I thought i saw a flash here and there before the guy said anything and i was so hoping and i was right! Wow it was beating so fast. 150bpm. I can now breathe a deep sigh of relief!

Here's a pic from the scan. You can't see much but i think s/he looks cute already!

My lovely friend Emma, who i am hoping to choose as my doula, came with me into the scan so i wasn't alone. I am so glad she did too.

Oh, and happy birthday to me! I'm 22 today!

Tomorrow's scan

2008-06-25T18:24:00.000-07:00

I'm so scared about tomorrow's scan that i almost cancelled it! What is wrong with me? I'm never ever THIS nervous before a scan. Usually a little bit but this time im scared out of my wits! *big deep breaths...* Sorry it seems like im always complaining but i need to vent. I don't wanna let Jacob know im so scared.

Nervous

2008-06-24T13:41:00.000-07:00

Well my scan is in 2 days and i'm nervous as hell! I have to go in by myself cause Jacob will be looking after the kids. He's coming with me but will be in the waiting room. I'll be all by myself. What if something is wrong or the baby has died? I'm so scared...

On a lighter note, i had a fab dream last night. I gave birth to bub, in water. I felt so elated and happy. It's one of the best dreams i've had. I think i will keep this dream in mind when i go for the scan.

Ahh i'm a wreck!

2008-06-22T08:12:00.000-07:00

I had the most horrible dream last night. I dreamt i went for my 8 week scan and Bubbles had died. But it felt soo real. :-( I hope this doesn't mean anything bad.

Blah...

2008-06-20T11:05:00.000-07:00

Oh i am so sick today! Which in a way is a good thing but OMG! I can't even get up otherwise i feel so dizzy, clammy, and so nausous. I can't cope. I wish it was time for Jacob to come home, the kids are driving me nuts today. Thank god it's the weekend tomorrow!

Getting there.

2008-06-19T11:14:00.000-07:00

Havn't been able to post to here lately but i'm going ok for now. Only 7 days until my scan. I'm starting to feel relieved that it's getting closer, but scared at the same time!

I don't have morning sickness as such but every afternoon i feel nausious and i don't have much of an appitite at all.

Having a hard time

2008-06-15T18:33:00.000-07:00

Well i am 6 weeks and 1 day today. I honestly do not feel as though i am pregnant. Yep i was nausous yesterday morning but nothing since. Yep my boobs are slightly tender but only if i touch them or one of the kids elbow me (and wouldnt that hurt regardless? lol) yep im tired all the time. And of course i havent had any bleeding. But other than that, nada!

I'm having a really hard time accepting that there is a baby growing in there. I feel that nothing is wrong with baby, just can't accept that i am pregnant if that makes sense. Which in turn stops me from bonding with him/her.

From the moment i conceived Charlie i knew i was pregnant and i felt it until the moment he was born. I was instantly bonded with him the whole way through. But this time im not and i am scared that i won't bond with this baby like i didn't bond with Lily and i am scared of getting antenantal depression like i did with Lily even though i was not diagnosed with depression until almost 3 years after she was born. I can feel it snowballing already and it's going to end badly with me needing heavy councelling again. I don't want that nor does my family need that. I don't want to see them suffer again.

I wonder if there is any such thing as grief councelling for pregnant women with previous traumatic births and pregnancies?

Morning Sickness!

2008-06-14T09:52:00.000-07:00

Well i turned 6 weeks today and have been hit with morning sickness! I honestly did not think i would be this happy! lol Although the down side is we have a friend's wedding to go to today and the reception tonight, hopfully it doesn't last all day like it did with Charlie!

Homebirth

2008-06-13T16:27:00.000-07:00

Well i just phoned the homebirth service that is run through one of the birth centres here. They are going to ring me back in the next week or 2 to make an appointment. It's all seeming so real now!

I have been watching home water births on youtube today and it's making me sooo emotional. Silly hormones lol!

Just a whinge

2008-06-13T13:29:00.000-07:00

Well Jacob just phoned me and said he is working over time and won't be finished until 6pm! He usually finishes at 3pm.

There really is no point to it cause he only gets an extra $60 and that is what i get for parenting payment and if he works overtime i get none so what is the point???

I'm just so tired and really wanted him to come home. I'm struggling right now not to fall asleep and the kids are making a huge mess with all their toys.

Well he can bloody walk home now. No way am i driving to go pick him up at 6pm!

Wow!

2008-06-12T09:51:00.000-07:00

I actually made it passed my milestone! Wow! It is like a huge weight has been lifted off me. Even though i'm only 5 weeks 5 days, i feel like there is hope now. It's hard to explain.

We have decided to call baby Bubbles. Just so we don't call him/her 'it'. It feels way too impersonal.

Nothing much else to report. Still no morning sickness, i suppose that must be a blessing in a way!

Almost there!

2008-06-11T17:08:00.000-07:00

Well i'm nearly passed my milestone and i'm still pregnant! Not that it doesn't mean nothing will go wrong in the future but it is just huge relief if you know what i mean? So maybe this is real after all? I can't help but feel a little bit excited!

This is it

2008-06-10T15:46:00.000-07:00

So i'm 5 weeks and 3 days today. That is the furthest i've gone when i've had a m/c. So if i can get through tomorrow i'll feel a bit better.

Still no real symptoms at all.

Taking it one day at a time makes it go sooooo sloooooww!

Who would have thought?

2008-06-05T10:14:00.000-07:00

Who would have thought that a pregnant woman would want to have morning sickness so bad? I really wish i did. At least then i know Bubbles is ok.

I would go get another blood test but the last one they did hurt like hell. I have really bad veins and they have to try numberous times to get blood and its always traumatic for me and i almost always get dizzy and sick.

My ultrasound is on my birthday, 26th June. I hope it is a good birthday in that we see a heartbeat! I'll be 7 weeks, 5 days then. So 3 weeks to go. Although i am having second thoughts about going because if there was no heartbeat, i'm not sure i'd be able to handle it at all...

I need a time machine

2008-06-04T17:06:00.000-07:00

I really wish i had a time machine so that i could fast forward to 12 weeks pregnant. I'm just so sick of feeling anxious all of the time. I'm so anxious that i can't eat, i can't sleep, therefore i can't function properly during the day.

I really need help but i don't want to ask for it. I don't want to have to go back on my medication no matter how much they say it is safe. Plus i will just be this happy happy person for the whole remaining 8 months and it wont be me, it wont be my true feelings and i wont know when i truely am happy or not.

It's just so hard...

Yawn

2008-06-03T10:14:00.000-07:00

Oh, i am soooo tired! I did not realise being pregnant and having 2 littlies to look after would be so challanging. I start needing a nap around lunch time but can't until 3:30pm when Jacob get's home from work. I hope this doesn't last the whole pregnancy.

Other than that, still a bit nausous and my boobs are so sore! So all in all i am happy for now.

Nausea

2008-06-02T12:41:00.000-07:00

While making the kid's breakfast this morning i started feeling nausous. I'm ok now although dont feel like eating at all. Maybe i should just stay away from food altogether.

Cramps...

2008-06-01T17:55:00.000-07:00

For about an hour or so i've been getting cramps down low. I know this can be normal but it's still playing on my mind. I hope it's nothing bad.

Blerk!

2008-06-01T12:41:00.000-07:00

Well i am feeling crappy today. I think morning sickness maybe be creeping in. Not really nausous as such but definatly off food and just have a yucky feeling in my tummy.

I have also suddenly been over come with a fear of the actual birth. I know it is 8 months away but i just keep thinking about how things can go wrong.

Like for example, when i was pg with Charlie i had a low lying placenta and even though it did move up i keep thinking what if that happens again but doesnt move up? I won't get my homebirth or vaginal birth for that matter. I'm scared that something will be wrong with the baby or even that i will die during the birth.

These are all so irrational and i think it is my anxiety coming back. I have been over it for a couple of months now, why would it suddently all come flooding back? I hate it. I hate feeling like this. I want this homebirth SO bad that i keep thinking something will try to stop me from having it...

So i'm not imagining it!

2008-05-31T16:55:00.000-07:00

I got my blood test results today.

I had blood taken at 13DPO (thursday) and the doctor says it's consistant with just over 4 weeks pregnant! She didn't give me the actual number (never does) but the fact it was over 4 weeks and i'm only just 4 weeks today has got to be a good sign right?

Feeling a bit better

2008-05-31T11:14:00.000-07:00

I've gotten though another day still pregnant so i'm feeling somewhat better.

I woke up with a fuzzy head and blocked sinuses which i alwas get in pregnancy, so another symptom, yay!

I think i just need to do something everyday to get my mind off everything. Today we're going out, not sure where but i hope it helps.

Panicing

2008-05-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

Told you i would be back! haha.

I've been having a panic attack for the last 20 minutes.

I just can't get it out of my head that something will go wrong with this pregnancy.

Not that i have a reason to feel this way other than the previous miscarriages but i can't help it.

Sometimes i wish you couldn't find out you're pregnant until like 8 weeks!

#3 on the way!

2008-05-30T16:52:00.000-07:00

Well after 11 months TTC i got a BFP on Tuesday at 11DPO! I'm 14DPO now and still getting a BFP, so i suppose that's a good sign.

I'm nervous as hell though. After 4 miscarriages i don't think i can trust myself to know if that will be it or not. My boobs hurt like crazy though, so that's something!

I just need somewhere to write all this down. Not only to get me through it but also if something does go wrong i'll need support.

Anyway, goodness knows i will be back here at least once a day, probably multiple times a day to help me through these few precious weeks.

The journey to the birth of my third baby

The Home Water Birth of Orson Phoenix Paul

Not long to go.

Been awhile!

Feeling much better

Breech again!

Antenatal appointment

The belly!

Beautiful baby

4D scan!

Third Trimester!

Baby stuff

Antenatal appointment

Latest belly pic!

I'm sick. Yuck!

Emotional day!

Belly pic

Antenatal appointment

Changed care provers

More inspiration

Inspiration

Scan update

Oh hurry up!

Ultrasound time!

Getting bigger

Midwife appointment

Made up my mind

How to decide?

Update!

All is well!

My lovely doula!

Worried about bub

Doulas

A lovely heartbeat!

Tomorrow's scan

Nervous

Ahh i'm a wreck!

Blah...

Getting there.

Having a hard time

Morning Sickness!

Homebirth

Just a whinge

Wow!

Almost there!

This is it

Who would have thought?

I need a time machine

*Yawn*

Nausea

Cramps...

Blerk!

So i'm not imagining it!

Feeling a bit better

Panicing

#3 on the way!

Yawn